whats wrong with me?

i dont understand one thing about myself. 

i just keep throwing good proposals around dont i? and i know if there is one person who is brave enough to tell me anything is my good friend simah who says i shouldnt keep doing that. 

then what am i suppose to do??

okay, when Hafiz came into my life, i was happy but everything went so fast that it scared mee but inside, i was happyyyy!! but my parents said no...he's probably not for you and yeah my dad was pretty insistent that he is not for me and told me to stop this early cuz he doesnt want me to go on another 'miji episode' oh boy, oh brother, okay yeah thats prettty understandable and okay, i accepted d reason. and alhamdulillah im redha with it. and u know what, today i got to know he is already marriedddd! actually i couldnt be more happier for him. i want him to be happy you know. i think he went on a crazy boat ride with me for a second and i messed his life up a bit and only Allah knows that i dont want to do that...but things couldnt work out between us. and alhamdulillah today he is now married and im wishing him from d bottom of my heart every happiness there is. he is such a good guy. the best guy ive met and seen! he is an exact replica of my imaginary friend, michael! and he is sooo soothing to the heart. May Allah bless his marriage...amin..

and then Syafiqrul!. if im going to give away the award for the most hardworking and non giving up man ..it would be him!! he is soo determined and so honest....i dont think ill ever give him enough credit...he is just there since 2009 and honestly he could give me the attention of a lifetime and i would be happy!. he is like the perfect package but there is just something wrong with meee inside my head that i keep turning his proposals downn! whats wrong with me!! he is a nice guyy, he has a jobb, a reallly good one *u know what i mean! and he loves me! but what do i do with guys like him? i turned them down....ohhh and i keep giving chances to guys who doesnt appreciate me like these guys doooo...

and now, because i keep turning them down, theyre gonna be gone, and syafiqrul too is gonna get married too and in my heart actually i couldnt be more relief....he is a great guy but i dont think i can give him d love he needs....my heart isnt just as involved as it is with the others...and i dont think i can ever allow myself to get married without having a bit of 'passion' ... 

these guys are honestly great and Allah knows how much i cherish their attention and love they have given to my life.... and i pray that i wouldnt be blind to see who is my actual true love.... 

he is out there somewhere.... just have your trust and faith in Allah....and Allah will show you the way amin... insyaAllah.... 

Hiya-first rAmble

Righttt, dear diary, this would be a new version of how i would express my thoughts. why the new blog? why the need for it? well, lets just say, i am embracing changes and i would like to have a freer blog? hehe.

okay, news flash of whats happening now.

A is completely in love with B. B shows the similar amount of affection like he used to but somehow both of them are not acknowledging anything.

A feels she wants to get married and would really like to have a steady boyfriend by now, but B is making it hard for her. A would really like to move on if B doesnt love her but B is being very safe right now and everyday B is making A fall for him even more which is bad for A because it totally interferes with her plan of finding her soulmate.

of course finding your soulmate is never easy but some people find it so easy dont they? arent they lucky? actually it is a simple thing if one really think and look at it. if you like someone, tell them, and see if they like you back. if it hits, it hits and booyahhh you can get married. if the other person doesnt respond the way you want them to, leave them and movee onnnnnn, why stayyyyy???

thats the thing. isnt it simple? and people who go by these rules, they are happy and i see they are making families right now. i want to do that too. i know the simple rule and i think it is a rule everyone wishes to abide, but somehow, in some way, i dont know, it is not happening to me. yea, i like the guy, but noooo, my parents disagreee. i like the guy, but nooo he has a kid and he is older than you, which i dont have a problem withhhh. i like the guy, and heyyy he is of a complex nature which gives off the impression that he doesnt love me but actually i know deep down inside, he does but in that complex brain of hissss, he just wont make love easy which is really a headache and really stupid when you think of it. love is supposed to be easy people say but yet again, ive also read, true love is never easy, its called true love for a reason. if its too easy, where is the challenge, what makes it true if everything is easy for you? this is what happens when you read and watch movies a lot. you get your philosophies confused...and you ended up not knowing which way to decide. oh the more you know the more confused you are. how can one be so sureeee??

well, one thing i know that is for sure is that, i am notttttt Notttt Nottttt ever gonna marry for Moneyyyyyy!!! i dont want to! i sooo dont want to! sure money will make me happy, no doubt! i can buy a hundred books with money and that will make me happy but honestly,,,,,,,,,,i am not gonna marry for money!!! doesnt matter if that guy owns a gold mine or something but if i dont like and love him, or be sure or convinced or imagine i could live with him , i cantttttt!!! it is one thing i am not willing to sacrifice!!! im sorryyyy! i knoww its a violation of the girls code nowadays. good guys with money is hard to find, and i may seem picky but......how can i marry someone if i am not convinced that i could love him back and make him happy. i dont think i can do that. i honestly dont.

this first post is really all over the place eh haha well this is the vocal me and i ramble things without certain order sometimes and it's kinda fun too i must admit. okay then, gotta go. maybe ill catch up later. this is like a rambling box instead of a proper one haha. ok ciaoooo!!!

xoxoxoxooxoxox